


If Not Love, Then What?

by SnowBlizzard



Category: Batman - All Media Types, DCU (Comics), Red Hood and the Outlaws (Comics)
Genre: Abuse, Angst, Hurt, Hurt No Comfort, M/M, Unhealthy Relationships, Violence
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-10
Updated: 2021-03-10
Packaged: 2021-03-17 15:55:00
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,008
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29968764
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SnowBlizzard/pseuds/SnowBlizzard
Summary: “We’re just two lonely people trying to hate ourselves a little less” - Bojack Horseman
Relationships: Roy Harper/Jason Todd
Kudos: 16





	If Not Love, Then What?

**Author's Note:**

> I felt like writing angst... so now we have this. I'm sorry. Also I wrote this at 00:30 the day before a big exam, so heads up. Also excuse any spelling mistakes, in my tired state I tend to skip them even when proofreading, if it's bad I'll probably fix it in the morning.
> 
> You can add me on Discord if you feel like it, I always love chatting to new people: CryingCake#0270

It wasn't love. That much was clear. It was some sort of messed up affection that kept it going on for as long as it had, but love? No. There had only ever been friendly love there, and that was squashed years ago, though neither of them would admit that. 

Sometimes they would look at eachother, one of them choking out an 'I love you' to fool themselves into that warm fuzzy feeling. The other didn't believe it, as did neither of them when the sentiment was returned. 

He  _ hates  _ seeing the face of his "boyfriend". He  _ hates  _ what he's done to him, but done was done and it wasn't like anyone else would accept him anyway. Not when- not when this was his life.

Their affection was messed up, some sort of way to try and crumble that lonely feeling. Half the time it was angry, quick, casts of the eye and the other half was angry, quick and rough touches that would more often than not leave to sex. Rough. Too rough, not even the pleasurable sort, no, this was the sort that left them both feeling hurt and irritated, doesn't matter who topped. 

There had been a few, short, times where one of them would break, throw a punch, scream about packing their stuff and leaving the other to drown in self-hatred. Empty threats. If either of them did, the other would be just as lonely, they both knew this.

Because they weren't good people, they weren't good at all, yet unwilling to change, and who would want that? Who would take in a broken man who would never change?

It doesn't matter anyway, because if Roy throws a punch, Jason throws one back. And that's how they work. There's no soft mornings with coffee and sweet butterfly kisses, there's just hatred and fire, and if they're lucky, maybe a make-out session that's more biting and blood sharing than anything else before work.

He can hear Roy cry sometimes. In the shower. He only feels guilty about a third of the time, because he could leave- he  _ should  _ leave. Let Jason rot in his perpetual loneliness, let him die, alone, in a battle he knew he couldn't win.

There have been 'good' moments, or more like… better moments. There was one time that Jason remembers distinctively, they had been fighting viciously on the floor of Jason's safehouse, blood splattering from both of them. Then Jason had broke, realised how truly fucked up they were, how he didn't love him at all but more than anyone else at the same time. He remembers how he'd intended on trying to break Roy's nose, but then his hand stilled, dropping down onto the floor and he allowed himself to cry then, let Roy hold him. 

That was early in their relationship, when they were still salvageable, when they both looked at each other and realised 'this isn't normal'. 

There was one time Dick had commented on the bruises on Jason's face (before he'd left him like everyone else, everyone but Roy) and Jason had looked at him with a raised eyebrow, going "we fight villains everyday." Honestly, Roy had looked worse, and when he thought of it back then, he wanted to puke. Dick had shrugged and took that as a valid excuse.

There was a while, a short while consisting of two weeks where they were actually good. There still wasn't any love there, but it felt like maybe there  _ could  _ be, like they had a chance to patch it up and make something out of it. Make something good out of the bad. Jason isn't sure if he despises the memories of the only times they had kissed softly or thinks back on them fondly. Probably both. That short streak of happiness, of hope, had promptly been crushed when Roy had almost died during battle and Jason realised the only reason he cared was because he would be lonely again if he died.

So they were fooling themselves, that they could fill the hole with someone, someone like each other. 

Once in a while though, they still had good moments, the small things. The few times that they could just sit on the couch together, thighs touching but not cuddling in any way, and watch some TV-show. Then Roy would turn to him, give a small comment of "he's so stupid if he thinks that'll work," or "that woman is a complete idiot." And Jason will nod, lick his lips because those are the first words Roy's said to him for probably the whole day. 

"Yeah," he responds and then they go back to silent watching. Like said, good moments. 

Jason would be drinking coffee and looking at the social media posts idiots made while he was asleep when Roy would stumble up, get dressed and be out the door with an "I love you," that was nothing if not untrue. 

Jason would choke, swallow against his dry throat and lie right back. "I love you too." Then he would shower, sometimes he'd cry too, not a lot though, he wasn't pitiful enough for that. 

Sometimes he would sit in bed hours, fingers hovering over Dick's contact, or Tim's, or Bruce's or-  _ anyone's.  _ He wanted- he needed a friend. But it's not like he could place the blame on Roy either, Jason was the one that fucked him up, not the other way around. Then he threw his phone away, Dick probably had changed his number in two years anyway.

So he let things be as they were, let his life keep going. What else could he do? Nothing, probably. So he let himself be fooled, closed his eyes and imagined when he and Roy had simply been friends, when they went out on adventures and when Dick would hug him if he almost died. 

He… missed hugs. But there were good moments, like said. And Jason was probably worse than Roy, so what could he really complain about? At least Roy wanted him for something.


End file.
